KolonG "How to Love Unconditionally"

In order to build a solid foundation in any relationship, whether it’s a loving partnership (marriage), friendship or a relationship with a sibling or child, you must learn to love unconditionally without limits or judgment.
Loving someone unconditionally can be hard to do and goes against the grain you were probably taught in today’s Western society. Society tells you to get even or get revenge. However, to love unconditionally requires forgiveness and letting go of the wrongs.

So How Do You Love Unconditionally?
What’s required to show someone unconditional love when you’re in a relationship? Being there physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, through thick and thin, no matter what may happen is unconditional love.
Physically: Being “there” for someone physically means just what the word implies. You’re there for them in person, standing by their side, listening to them, or talking with them so they’re not alone. This may be at three in the afternoon, or three in the morning!
Emotionally: When you’re with someone emotionally, you’re offering your support by allowing them to honestly and openly express their feelings. Supporting someone emotionally with unconditional love also means that you’re there selflessly to help them work through their feelings. The goal is for the person to rise above the negative emotions and turn them into positive ones. You’re the shoulder to cry on!
Mentally: Supporting a loved one mentally means that you help them think through their actions, motives, and desires. You help them do this by finding out what’s going on inside. To support someone mentally requires you to help your loved one process their thoughts through to all possible outcomes.
Spiritually: Spiritually supporting a loved one means you pray for and with them and help them grow in all aspects of their life – physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Often spiritual support is given without a person being aware of it, through prayer.
Unconditional love does not mean, however, giving into every whim or desire. Often people confuse unconditional love with spoiling. Giving into a person’s every want or desire when it isn’t appropriate can actually harm their physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well being. For example, giving into a child’s demands for junk food may make them happy today, but it isn’t a good source of nourishment in the long run.

Letting Go
True love is shown when you try to help another become a better person and unconditional love is shown when you still love them even if they refuse to change.
Many times it’s necessary to “let go” of a loved one, while still loving them unconditionally, because they refuse to take the necessary steps to improve. An example of this would be an alcoholic or drug addict. You still love the person, but when they refuse to work at overcoming their addiction or don’t care about themselves or who they’re hurting, you must let go. Sometimes this means, letting them spiral down until they hit rock bottom. Often you get hurt in the process because you love them and don’t want to see them go down this road, so loving unconditionally also means that you’ll be there for them when they’re ready to try again.
Love isn’t an emotion or feeling – it’s a choice. This is especially true with unconditional love. In relationships, you show unconditional love by overlooking petty mistakes and forgoing judgment and grudges. Unconditional love requires self-sacrifice and forgiveness on your part and it’s through unconditional love that those you care about will change for the better.

KolonG "What Are Love Languages?"

Everyone needs to feel loved. It’s vital to know how you enjoy being loved, but also how to properly love others. A doctor by the name of Gary Chapman became famous when he came out with a book called The Five Love Languages.

There is a basic breakdown of five different love languages to make it easier for us to identify how to express ourselves to our loved ones. Once you’ve figured out what your partner’s love language is you’ll be able to show them how you feel in a way that is fulfilling to them.
For example, let’s say that your partner likes to hear the words “I love you” often. Even though they know that you love them, just hearing the phrase can brighten their day. But perhaps you thought that you should express your love by buying little gifts. Your loved one likely appreciates the gesture whenever you show your love, but at the same time it’s not their personal preference of how they like to receive love.
The Love Languages Explained
1. Verbal Lovers - Like the example above, some people just like to hear gestures of love such as “I love you” and “I appreciate everything that you do.” For this type of person, you’ll want to provide constant encouragement, never letting things go unsaid.

• Try verbalizing your appreciations in some way each day.
• Don’t assume your partner knows what you’re thinking and feeling – speak up!

2. Time Well Spent - One of the love languages has to do with spending quality time with your partner. This doesn’t mean just casual conversation; it means the times where your partner is your main focus. If your partner enjoys quality time, here are some things to consider:

• Choose a certain time each day or week where you’re completely dedicated to your partner. This means that you need to shut off the TV, put down the paper, get off the computer and make time for each other.
• Think of activities you can do together to really connect.
• Make sure you have a good relationship with yourself; it’s the only way you can truly connect with your partner.

3. The Gift Giver – Another love language is one where your partner may enjoy giving and receiving gifts. This isn’t because they’re greedy; it means they’re visual people who enjoy seeing proof of your deepening relationship. If you’re with this type of partner, try these tips:

• Even if you’re a big saver, make the effort to spend at least a little money or make some homemade or handmade gifts
• Leave loving cards and notes for them.
• Don’t give gifts everyday, but give gifts that are meaningful.

4. The Chores –  We can’t forget the chores when it comes to a language of communication between partners. Since there are many things that need to get done around the house, it often causes problems when you try to figure out who’s doing what. Keep these tips in mind:

• Everyone has different chores that they deem important
• Figure out which ones your partner doesn’t enjoy and do them.
• Chores involve thinking ahead, which your partner will certainly appreciate.

5. Physical Affection – The physical affection love language can get complicated. Expressing your love physically doesn’t only mean lovemaking. It involves simple touches too. Each partner will usually have some kind of opinion when it comes to this language:

• Figure out which kinds of touches your partner enjoys, it may be a gentle rub of their shoulders or some cuddling while watching television.
• This is equally important, figure out which touches irritate your partner.
• Get to know your partner’s moods so you know when to express physical affection.

The Combination
Your partner will likely speak a certain combination of these love languages. As your relationship deepens, you’ll get to know your partner better and better. It may even help to outright discuss the topic of love languages with your partner to better understand each other.

KolonG "Top 10 Ways of Finding Closure in Your Relationship"

As the song says, “Breaking up is hard to do.” Finding closure after the end of a relationship is often harder.

 “Closure” is a psychological term that simply means closing the door on something or someone.
Closure means you leave the past in the past rather than dragging it out into the present again. In relationships, this means learning how to let go of that relationship and move on to another, possibly better, relationship.
There are many ways to find closure. In fact, how you find closure will depend entirely upon your personality and particular situation.

Here are the top ten ways to find closure after a relationship ends: 

1. Declare out loud to a close friend that you accept that the relationship is over. Choose someone who will support you and help you stay focused on the present and future rather than dwelling on the past.
2. Call the person you’re letting go and release them. Acknowledge that you still have feelings for them, the relationship isn’t healthy, and they’re free. If it’s too painful to talk with them, write them a note.  
3. Refocus on yourself. You may have let your own interests slide while you were involved with your prior relationship. Now’s the time to shift your focus back to yourself and what you want to do.
4. Find a new hobby or activity to replace the time with your ex. If you always went out on Friday nights, invite some friends over, instead, and watch movies. Or you could volunteer for a worthwhile charity.
5. When you start thinking about your ex, call a friend to bolster your resolve. Ask them to restate your reasons for letting them go.
6. Create a mantra or saying that helps you refocus. Keep telling yourself this mantra and before too long you’ll start believing it. You’ll also start acting differently as well. “I am strong and I am over him.” could be all you need to say, but it may be something more detailed like “I’m a wonderful person who is worthy of love, respect and happiness.”  
7. Remove things that remind you of your ex. At some point in the future you’ll be strong enough to look at these things with fondness rather than being tugged back to the past.

• Take them off your speed dial.
• Remove photos of the two of you.
• Box up gifts they gave you.

       8. Take care of yourself. Eat better, take up a new exercise, and get plenty of rest. Hydration is important, too, so be sure you drink plenty of water.
       9. If you’re feeling particularly sad over the break up, don’t hold it in. It’s natural for you to feel upset about the end of the relationship. Go ahead and cry. You may even want to write in a journal how you feel so you can get the feelings out rather than holding them in.
      10. Try to figure out what went wrong in the relationship. Reflect on this after you’ve distanced yourself from it for a while.

• If  there were things you did that could’ve damaged the relationship, admit them.
• Try to determine the red flags that signaled the relationship was ending.
• Decide to avoid similar mistakes in future relationships.

If you didn’t want the relationship to end, you may be tempted to leave the door open hoping to rekindle that lost love. It may be difficult to find closure, but the emotional price of holding out hope can be costly. For your own health and peace of mind, learn to let the relationship end. Let go of the past, close the door, and walk into a better future.

KolonG "Can gay relationships last?"

[thanks to; Otto Fong]

“Couples, gay or straight, are not statistics and are not subject to what the majority of their groups do in studies and analyses. They are people who deserve the support and encouragement to succeed in their relationships and to have the best possible chance at a long and healthy life together.” - Chris Shultz I wrote this in response to a Time.com article “Are Gay Relationships Different?” by John Cloud. He wrote the article after his first relationship of over seven years ended. This article prompted some discussion amongst my Facebook friends about gay relationships. A common opinion is that gay relationships are less permanent, and that straight relationships are often successfully anchored by children. In that article published by Time.com, Cloud mused that if he was in a straight relationship, he would “almost certainly have had children” and his relationship would still be intact. A Facebook friend commented that “death or heartbreak, all relationships come to an end eventually." So, he concluded that the “length of time as a yardstick for measuring the quality of a relationship would be a poor yardstick indeed.” I found it understandable why some gay folks will see it from that perspective. My personal experience was that when my relationships failed, it would be hard not to have that nagging feeling that what some said about gays is correct: we can’t conduct personal relationships well. I went through that after several of my relationships ended in my twenties. I told myself that men aren’t meant to stay together – only women held the keys to a lasting relationship. Now, I find that perspective deeply flawed and offensive. It is offensive to assume that many straight couples could only rely on their children to make their relationships work. It is offensive to childless straight couples. It is offensive to gay couples who never adopted and yet stayed together for decades. It is also terribly unfair that one would compare relationships that ended by heartbreak, to relationships that ended with the death of a partner. “What is the difference?” one might ask. Afterall, all relationships end one way or another! The difference is simple: in one relationship, the partners made a vow. In the others, no vow was made. This is not to denigrate shorter relationships. Even short relationships teach us valuable lessons – and sometimes these lessons better inform us to cherish the next one. But, in short-term relationships, there is no commitment. Let’s stay together if we’re happy and it works for both of us. Once it stops working for either of us, let’s split. There’s nothing wrong with that. In a committed relationship, a vow to love, respect and cherish each other is one that ends with “till death do us part”. It is a vow not to be taken lightly. It means that a partner vows to stay with another through thick and thin, riches and rags, in health and in sickness. My vow is to be with my partner when he contributes to our relationship. And my vow stands even when he is no longer able to contribute in certain ways (physical disability, aging complications). As long as he wants me around, and as long as I am capable of making decisions, I will be with him. It’s interesting to note that in the Time.com article, the author used his own relationship as an example of a gay relationship that did not work out. Other than citing statistics that supported his point of view, he mentioned no other gay relationships – not even the ones that worked. It’s like someone who’d just climbed a hill and wrote about climbing Everest – without consulting a single Everest mountaineer. Personally, I have several Singaporean gay couples who are together for over a decade or two, and are still going strong. And I know of a couple from America, Neal and John, who’d been together for 30 years. While it is true that many gay relationships do not work out, it is also true that gay relationships often lacked the community, familial and societal support that straight relationships take for granted. Also, Chris Shultz, a friend of mine, noted, “It seems that same-sex relationships haven't enjoyed the social support and approval for long enough to draw meaningful comparisons between same-sex and different-sex relationships and their relative success rates.” I am reminded of what is a committed relationship - and what makes it last - in, of all things, an animated cartoon. In the first 10 minutes of Pixar’s Oscar-winning animated feature Up, we were shown a compressed lifetime of a childless couple, Carl and Ellie. When they found out that Ellie couldn’t conceive, the couple was devastated. In every young gay man’s mind, we have visited that shocking, inescapable conclusion shortly after we dealt with being gay: since our future relationships lacked eggs for fertilisation, we would likely never have the chance to be fathers. While it might not have manifested itself as devastatingly as Ellie’s discovery at the doctor, it certainly was a blow to us nevertheless. In the film, as Ellie sat sadly on the front yard’s swing, Carl approached her and made her a promise: they would embark on a trip to their childhood dreamland, South America. Carl didn’t say: “Oops, sorry you couldn’t conceive. That means we can’t have children. Our relationship would never stand a chance without them! I’m afraid I’ll have to leave you.” Carl said: “Ok, so we can’t have the adventure of having children. Let’s find a new adventure together!” Some people argued that gay relationships should not work, because they do not satisfy the end goal of marriage: procreation. And some of us believed these people. While the world needs a steady supply of children, it is also in dire need of many other things. What’s to stop a gay couple from finding an adventure they can both work happily towards? An adventure could be as simple as building a home together, creating a company together or even something as noble as starting and running a charity or orphanage. Sure, some of us can achieve these singlehandedly. But one thing I learnt when I climbed the Grand Canyon in Colorado, US, alone and witnessed a breathtaking sunrise there two decades ago: I wanted that special someone to share that awesome sight with me. Always.