KolonG "10 tips How to Make Your Ex Boyfriend Regret Breaking It Off with you"

After being broken up with, it may seem impossible to pull your life back together and get back in control of your emotions, but with the right tactics before you know it you will be back to that confident, independent, happy man that your ex first fell in love with. Here's some tips of it;

1. Think about what you've learned from the relationship, and start using that in a daily basis. It may not have worked out between you, but maybe you learned better listening skills, to be less possessive or how to set personal boundaries.

2. Don't repress your feelings. This doesn't mean contacting your ex or making it public how much pain you are in. Take time to yourself to journal, go for a walk or go for coffee with a close friend to talk about the relationship and how you are feeling.

3. Write down a list of seven great qualities you have, and post it somewhere you will read it every day. Remember that people break up and start dating for many different reasons. Often times the break-up is not a reflection of you personally, rather the other persons issues. Try not to blame yourself or think that you no longer have anything to offer the world.

4. Don't rebound. This may temporarily make you feel better, but even after months of the new relationship when it's all said and done you will still be left with unresolved feelings about your ex. Take time to heal, stand on your own two feet. There is nothing more attractive then a confident, independent person.

5. Resist the urge to contact your ex. Your brain will be looking for any way possible to get in contact with him, or see how they're doing. Resist at all costs! By contacting him, you are submitting to his emotional manipulation and showing him that you are still obsessing over the break-up.

6. Breathe. Allow your emotions to take their natural course and don't push away feelings of rejection or hurt. They are normal and once fully experienced you will have a renewed sense of strength.

7. Keep yourself busy. When you have memory flashbacks or miss your ex's company, do anything to take your mind off it. It could be anything from rearranging your shelves to trying a new recipe.

8. Stay away from alcohol or other emotion evoking substances. You may think a night out with friends will be the perfect remedy, until that night of fun turns into tears in the bathroom and drunk texting.

9. Be mature about the situation. Don't send him hate mail, or give him any reason to be upset with you. You want him to remember you as the one that got away, not the psycho man who never left him alone after he broke it off.

10. Smile. Showing that you can find something to be happy about will attract positive people and things into your life. Break-ups can be devastating, but they also make you a stronger person. Let the warmth of your personality shine through that wonderful smile, and one day he'll realize what he lost.

[Adopted from: http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Your-Ex-Boyfriend-Regret-Breaking-It-Off]

KolonG "How to know your ex-boy friend still miss you"

"How do I know my ex boyfriend still misses me or not?" Is a normal question in a gay world when a man searches answer for after a relationship ends once he wants to reunite with his ex boyfriend. When you still love your ex boyfriend, it's natural to desire to be aware of his feelings towards you. Gay men get themselves into an emotional place where they long for their ex boyfriend so much that they just want to reach out to him. To these men, sending a text message seems like a safe way to let their ex know they miss him. The problem is that if you’re sending that message when you’re feeling overwhelmed Since, if you are considering getting back together with your ex boyfriend, you don't wish to risk getting hurt once more as a result of admitting your love and then discovering that his feelings are different. Nobody desires to open themselves up and afterward get abandoned. 

Below are some of the simple strategies and tips that will make your ex-boyfriend think of you and miss you like crazy;

1. Disappears, Absence is usually known to make the heart of men grow fonder each day. When you make yourself unavailable by not answering his calls or calling him back, he will start missing you, by answering the phone on the first ring means that he won’t miss you since he’ll know that you’ll always be at his call and beck. It is also important to use this time to catch up with your other friends and have fun, you can also do the things that you had wished to do while you were together or take a trip and give yourself enough time. This will help since you will create unexpected attention from him and also you will have enough time to relax and rest.

2. Don't mope and show him that you're desperate to him back, Male usually expects his partner to wallow and mope in grief after they brake-up and therefore you shouldn’t give him the guarantee or satisfaction of being right but instead you should live your life. Meet new people, go out and have fun to the maximum. This trick is to make you act and pretend that you have not been affected by the breakup and also you will look indifferent from what he expected. When he realizes that you are more confident and happier, he will unknowingly miss you.

3. Don't be angry, Specialists have proven that men are usually turned off by weepy. You should avoid as much as possible not to give in to any negative emotions because you might end up being angry or even weep over him. Act and smile and you will create more impressions even if he tries to resist. Definitely, he will not tell you that he is missing you but you will learn from his actions. If he tries to call you again, know that you have got him and it is advisable not to run back immediately. Give him more time. 4. Improve your situation, When your ex-boyfriend sees that you are improving things in life and becoming more attractive, he will definitely feel as though he is missing you. Never sit at home when you breakup with him, you may also consider dating again but shouldn’t be nothing serious and go out with friends. By mastering the art of him needing you back like crazy you will be able to bring him back within the shortest period and also he will never want to be away from you. 

so... wanna know does he still miss you or not after broke up? try it!!-SuperSLIMO-

KolonG "How to Love Unconditionally"

In order to build a solid foundation in any relationship, whether it’s a loving partnership (marriage), friendship or a relationship with a sibling or child, you must learn to love unconditionally without limits or judgment.
Loving someone unconditionally can be hard to do and goes against the grain you were probably taught in today’s Western society. Society tells you to get even or get revenge. However, to love unconditionally requires forgiveness and letting go of the wrongs.

So How Do You Love Unconditionally?
What’s required to show someone unconditional love when you’re in a relationship? Being there physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, through thick and thin, no matter what may happen is unconditional love.
Physically: Being “there” for someone physically means just what the word implies. You’re there for them in person, standing by their side, listening to them, or talking with them so they’re not alone. This may be at three in the afternoon, or three in the morning!
Emotionally: When you’re with someone emotionally, you’re offering your support by allowing them to honestly and openly express their feelings. Supporting someone emotionally with unconditional love also means that you’re there selflessly to help them work through their feelings. The goal is for the person to rise above the negative emotions and turn them into positive ones. You’re the shoulder to cry on!
Mentally: Supporting a loved one mentally means that you help them think through their actions, motives, and desires. You help them do this by finding out what’s going on inside. To support someone mentally requires you to help your loved one process their thoughts through to all possible outcomes.
Spiritually: Spiritually supporting a loved one means you pray for and with them and help them grow in all aspects of their life – physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Often spiritual support is given without a person being aware of it, through prayer.
Unconditional love does not mean, however, giving into every whim or desire. Often people confuse unconditional love with spoiling. Giving into a person’s every want or desire when it isn’t appropriate can actually harm their physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well being. For example, giving into a child’s demands for junk food may make them happy today, but it isn’t a good source of nourishment in the long run.

Letting Go
True love is shown when you try to help another become a better person and unconditional love is shown when you still love them even if they refuse to change.
Many times it’s necessary to “let go” of a loved one, while still loving them unconditionally, because they refuse to take the necessary steps to improve. An example of this would be an alcoholic or drug addict. You still love the person, but when they refuse to work at overcoming their addiction or don’t care about themselves or who they’re hurting, you must let go. Sometimes this means, letting them spiral down until they hit rock bottom. Often you get hurt in the process because you love them and don’t want to see them go down this road, so loving unconditionally also means that you’ll be there for them when they’re ready to try again.
Love isn’t an emotion or feeling – it’s a choice. This is especially true with unconditional love. In relationships, you show unconditional love by overlooking petty mistakes and forgoing judgment and grudges. Unconditional love requires self-sacrifice and forgiveness on your part and it’s through unconditional love that those you care about will change for the better.

KolonG "What Are Love Languages?"

Everyone needs to feel loved. It’s vital to know how you enjoy being loved, but also how to properly love others. A doctor by the name of Gary Chapman became famous when he came out with a book called The Five Love Languages.

There is a basic breakdown of five different love languages to make it easier for us to identify how to express ourselves to our loved ones. Once you’ve figured out what your partner’s love language is you’ll be able to show them how you feel in a way that is fulfilling to them.
For example, let’s say that your partner likes to hear the words “I love you” often. Even though they know that you love them, just hearing the phrase can brighten their day. But perhaps you thought that you should express your love by buying little gifts. Your loved one likely appreciates the gesture whenever you show your love, but at the same time it’s not their personal preference of how they like to receive love.
The Love Languages Explained
1. Verbal Lovers - Like the example above, some people just like to hear gestures of love such as “I love you” and “I appreciate everything that you do.” For this type of person, you’ll want to provide constant encouragement, never letting things go unsaid.

• Try verbalizing your appreciations in some way each day.
• Don’t assume your partner knows what you’re thinking and feeling – speak up!

2. Time Well Spent - One of the love languages has to do with spending quality time with your partner. This doesn’t mean just casual conversation; it means the times where your partner is your main focus. If your partner enjoys quality time, here are some things to consider:

• Choose a certain time each day or week where you’re completely dedicated to your partner. This means that you need to shut off the TV, put down the paper, get off the computer and make time for each other.
• Think of activities you can do together to really connect.
• Make sure you have a good relationship with yourself; it’s the only way you can truly connect with your partner.

3. The Gift Giver – Another love language is one where your partner may enjoy giving and receiving gifts. This isn’t because they’re greedy; it means they’re visual people who enjoy seeing proof of your deepening relationship. If you’re with this type of partner, try these tips:

• Even if you’re a big saver, make the effort to spend at least a little money or make some homemade or handmade gifts
• Leave loving cards and notes for them.
• Don’t give gifts everyday, but give gifts that are meaningful.

4. The Chores –  We can’t forget the chores when it comes to a language of communication between partners. Since there are many things that need to get done around the house, it often causes problems when you try to figure out who’s doing what. Keep these tips in mind:

• Everyone has different chores that they deem important
• Figure out which ones your partner doesn’t enjoy and do them.
• Chores involve thinking ahead, which your partner will certainly appreciate.

5. Physical Affection – The physical affection love language can get complicated. Expressing your love physically doesn’t only mean lovemaking. It involves simple touches too. Each partner will usually have some kind of opinion when it comes to this language:

• Figure out which kinds of touches your partner enjoys, it may be a gentle rub of their shoulders or some cuddling while watching television.
• This is equally important, figure out which touches irritate your partner.
• Get to know your partner’s moods so you know when to express physical affection.

The Combination
Your partner will likely speak a certain combination of these love languages. As your relationship deepens, you’ll get to know your partner better and better. It may even help to outright discuss the topic of love languages with your partner to better understand each other.

KolonG "Top 10 Ways of Finding Closure in Your Relationship"

As the song says, “Breaking up is hard to do.” Finding closure after the end of a relationship is often harder.

 “Closure” is a psychological term that simply means closing the door on something or someone.
Closure means you leave the past in the past rather than dragging it out into the present again. In relationships, this means learning how to let go of that relationship and move on to another, possibly better, relationship.
There are many ways to find closure. In fact, how you find closure will depend entirely upon your personality and particular situation.

Here are the top ten ways to find closure after a relationship ends: 

1. Declare out loud to a close friend that you accept that the relationship is over. Choose someone who will support you and help you stay focused on the present and future rather than dwelling on the past.
2. Call the person you’re letting go and release them. Acknowledge that you still have feelings for them, the relationship isn’t healthy, and they’re free. If it’s too painful to talk with them, write them a note.  
3. Refocus on yourself. You may have let your own interests slide while you were involved with your prior relationship. Now’s the time to shift your focus back to yourself and what you want to do.
4. Find a new hobby or activity to replace the time with your ex. If you always went out on Friday nights, invite some friends over, instead, and watch movies. Or you could volunteer for a worthwhile charity.
5. When you start thinking about your ex, call a friend to bolster your resolve. Ask them to restate your reasons for letting them go.
6. Create a mantra or saying that helps you refocus. Keep telling yourself this mantra and before too long you’ll start believing it. You’ll also start acting differently as well. “I am strong and I am over him.” could be all you need to say, but it may be something more detailed like “I’m a wonderful person who is worthy of love, respect and happiness.”  
7. Remove things that remind you of your ex. At some point in the future you’ll be strong enough to look at these things with fondness rather than being tugged back to the past.

• Take them off your speed dial.
• Remove photos of the two of you.
• Box up gifts they gave you.

       8. Take care of yourself. Eat better, take up a new exercise, and get plenty of rest. Hydration is important, too, so be sure you drink plenty of water.
       9. If you’re feeling particularly sad over the break up, don’t hold it in. It’s natural for you to feel upset about the end of the relationship. Go ahead and cry. You may even want to write in a journal how you feel so you can get the feelings out rather than holding them in.
      10. Try to figure out what went wrong in the relationship. Reflect on this after you’ve distanced yourself from it for a while.

• If  there were things you did that could’ve damaged the relationship, admit them.
• Try to determine the red flags that signaled the relationship was ending.
• Decide to avoid similar mistakes in future relationships.

If you didn’t want the relationship to end, you may be tempted to leave the door open hoping to rekindle that lost love. It may be difficult to find closure, but the emotional price of holding out hope can be costly. For your own health and peace of mind, learn to let the relationship end. Let go of the past, close the door, and walk into a better future.

KolonG "Can gay relationships last?"

[thanks to; Otto Fong]

“Couples, gay or straight, are not statistics and are not subject to what the majority of their groups do in studies and analyses. They are people who deserve the support and encouragement to succeed in their relationships and to have the best possible chance at a long and healthy life together.” - Chris Shultz I wrote this in response to a Time.com article “Are Gay Relationships Different?” by John Cloud. He wrote the article after his first relationship of over seven years ended. This article prompted some discussion amongst my Facebook friends about gay relationships. A common opinion is that gay relationships are less permanent, and that straight relationships are often successfully anchored by children. In that article published by Time.com, Cloud mused that if he was in a straight relationship, he would “almost certainly have had children” and his relationship would still be intact. A Facebook friend commented that “death or heartbreak, all relationships come to an end eventually." So, he concluded that the “length of time as a yardstick for measuring the quality of a relationship would be a poor yardstick indeed.” I found it understandable why some gay folks will see it from that perspective. My personal experience was that when my relationships failed, it would be hard not to have that nagging feeling that what some said about gays is correct: we can’t conduct personal relationships well. I went through that after several of my relationships ended in my twenties. I told myself that men aren’t meant to stay together – only women held the keys to a lasting relationship. Now, I find that perspective deeply flawed and offensive. It is offensive to assume that many straight couples could only rely on their children to make their relationships work. It is offensive to childless straight couples. It is offensive to gay couples who never adopted and yet stayed together for decades. It is also terribly unfair that one would compare relationships that ended by heartbreak, to relationships that ended with the death of a partner. “What is the difference?” one might ask. Afterall, all relationships end one way or another! The difference is simple: in one relationship, the partners made a vow. In the others, no vow was made. This is not to denigrate shorter relationships. Even short relationships teach us valuable lessons – and sometimes these lessons better inform us to cherish the next one. But, in short-term relationships, there is no commitment. Let’s stay together if we’re happy and it works for both of us. Once it stops working for either of us, let’s split. There’s nothing wrong with that. In a committed relationship, a vow to love, respect and cherish each other is one that ends with “till death do us part”. It is a vow not to be taken lightly. It means that a partner vows to stay with another through thick and thin, riches and rags, in health and in sickness. My vow is to be with my partner when he contributes to our relationship. And my vow stands even when he is no longer able to contribute in certain ways (physical disability, aging complications). As long as he wants me around, and as long as I am capable of making decisions, I will be with him. It’s interesting to note that in the Time.com article, the author used his own relationship as an example of a gay relationship that did not work out. Other than citing statistics that supported his point of view, he mentioned no other gay relationships – not even the ones that worked. It’s like someone who’d just climbed a hill and wrote about climbing Everest – without consulting a single Everest mountaineer. Personally, I have several Singaporean gay couples who are together for over a decade or two, and are still going strong. And I know of a couple from America, Neal and John, who’d been together for 30 years. While it is true that many gay relationships do not work out, it is also true that gay relationships often lacked the community, familial and societal support that straight relationships take for granted. Also, Chris Shultz, a friend of mine, noted, “It seems that same-sex relationships haven't enjoyed the social support and approval for long enough to draw meaningful comparisons between same-sex and different-sex relationships and their relative success rates.” I am reminded of what is a committed relationship - and what makes it last - in, of all things, an animated cartoon. In the first 10 minutes of Pixar’s Oscar-winning animated feature Up, we were shown a compressed lifetime of a childless couple, Carl and Ellie. When they found out that Ellie couldn’t conceive, the couple was devastated. In every young gay man’s mind, we have visited that shocking, inescapable conclusion shortly after we dealt with being gay: since our future relationships lacked eggs for fertilisation, we would likely never have the chance to be fathers. While it might not have manifested itself as devastatingly as Ellie’s discovery at the doctor, it certainly was a blow to us nevertheless. In the film, as Ellie sat sadly on the front yard’s swing, Carl approached her and made her a promise: they would embark on a trip to their childhood dreamland, South America. Carl didn’t say: “Oops, sorry you couldn’t conceive. That means we can’t have children. Our relationship would never stand a chance without them! I’m afraid I’ll have to leave you.” Carl said: “Ok, so we can’t have the adventure of having children. Let’s find a new adventure together!” Some people argued that gay relationships should not work, because they do not satisfy the end goal of marriage: procreation. And some of us believed these people. While the world needs a steady supply of children, it is also in dire need of many other things. What’s to stop a gay couple from finding an adventure they can both work happily towards? An adventure could be as simple as building a home together, creating a company together or even something as noble as starting and running a charity or orphanage. Sure, some of us can achieve these singlehandedly. But one thing I learnt when I climbed the Grand Canyon in Colorado, US, alone and witnessed a breathtaking sunrise there two decades ago: I wanted that special someone to share that awesome sight with me. Always.

KolonG "your man so busy"

I am going through the same thing in my relationship at the moment. Where this guy once couldn't stop texting me, is now too busy for me because of working..
Honestly, I think that's what guys do. They take ONE thing at a time. And they are horrible multitaskers. Don't even expect them to juggle multiple things, like work and relationship.



I keep telling my man I miss all the things he used to send and pet names he used to call me. His response? "Oh I don't think I'm doing anything different. Why are you so worried?" UGHHHH

Frankly, I'm quite worried right now too since he has his project and he doesn't really text me any lovey dovey things or call me or take out time for me. But I know how he can get during his project (we've been together for a year so I know) and well, I am trying my best to give him space to just focus on what is on his priority list right now.

say you are worrying about nothing and just go on being the fun people he fell in love with and he will be back to normal when things in his life settle down. If you really love him you'll be understanding that he can't talk a lot and if you can't handle that, then you guys aren't mean to be. Got to be patient which is so hard I know.

Sometimes I am even afraid that he will dump me or something just because of the lack of interest that is visible. But maybe I am being ridiculous and so are you. Just because he doesn't show it all the time like I do, doesn't mean he doesn't love me anymore. wish you have the same mind with me ;)

Lets stay positive shall we? :)

KolonG "Israel Surganya Kaum Gay"

Selama ini, Israel dikenal sebagai tujuan wisata ziarah. Namun lima tahun terakhir, tanah yang Tuhan janjikan versi bangsa Yahudi, ini telah menjadi daya tarik bagi kaum gay.

Menurut Yaniv Poria, profesor di jurusan hotel dan manajemen wisata Universitas Ben Gurion, hampir tiap hotel kelas atas di Israel menyediakan pantai khusus untuk kaum lelaki sesama jenis.
Sebut saja pantai Hassidic di Tel Aviv. Bagian pantai yang dikelola Hotel Hilton ini dibagi dua dengan tembok lebih dari delapan meter. Di bagian dalam, tiap Ahad, Selasa, Kamis, khusus bagi perempuan. Pada Senin, Rabu, dan Jumat giliran kaum lelaki.
Aturan ini sesuai halachic, ajaran agama Yahudi yang melarang lelaki dan perempuan belum menikah melihat lawan jenis dengan pakaian minim. Tapi di luar tembok, kaum pria, para homo, bisa mandi tiap hari di pantai.
Ini tidak menghenrankan. Sebab menurut Poria, pemerintah mendukung promosi wisata kaum gay yang dikenal dengan industri “dolar merah muda”. “Seperti negara-negara lain, pemerintah memasarkan di tingkat lokal atau secara rahasia,” ujarnya, seperti dilansir surat kabar Christian Science Monitor.
Karena itu tidak mengherankan bila wisatawan gay ke Israel terus melonjak. Menurut Shai Doitsh, kepala departemen wisata gay di Agudah (Perkumpulan Gay, Lesbian, Biseksual, dan Transkelamin Israel), tahun ini saja jumlah pelancong gay sudah ribuan. Padahal lima tahun lalu masih ratusan.
Aturan yang kian longgar memang mempermudah. Mahkamah Agung Israel telah menetapkan sodomi bukan kejahatan sejak dua dekade lalu. Kaum gay juga bisa masuk militer, mewarisi hartanya, dan menikah. Tahun ini, pasangan sesama jenis dibolehkan mengadopsi anak.

Tentu saja, lonjakan ini menggusarkan kelompok Yahudi konsevatif. Tahun lalu, mereka memaksa kementerian pariwisata menghentikan promosi wisata gay dan anggota parlemen ortodoks mengancam menggulingkan pemerintahan. “Pihak-pihak yang tidak mengakui kesucian Yerusalem harus menjauh,” kata Wakil Perdana Menteri Eli Yishai dari Partai Shas yang sangat religius. (mdk/net)

KolonG "Ten Tips To Get Your Man To Commit"

You’ve been seeing a man who loves you, whether he uses the word or not. He loves sex with you, but more than that, he loves being with you. Even so, he hasn’t committed himself to you fully. Perhaps he’s still vague about weekend plans, or he hasn’t introduced you to his friends. Maybe he hasn’t asked you to marry him, though you’ve been seeing each other steadily or living together for a long time.
If so, he is like millions of men who cheat themselves and the woman they care about out of a life that would make you both very happy. He is obviously afraid – possibly even phobic — about commitment. Is there anything you can do to help him take the step that will bring ultimate happiness to both of you? The answer is “yes,” and the solutions are simple, easy adjustments that will cost you nothing and will end up bringing the fulfillment and commitment you’ve dreamed of. Here are 10 tips for getting your man to commit:

1. Make it easy for him to confide in you by listening without giving him advice or criticizing him.
He needs to know that it’s safe to tell you more. And the more he tells you, the more committed he will become. For instance, suppose he tells you that he feels bad about not being a college graduate. Just listen and make clear that you love him as much as if he had a Ph.D from Harvard. If he tells you that he’s worried about losing his job, just listen and make clear that you will love him just as much if he does. The time for advice may come later, when he asks for it — if he ever does. But right now, advice is not what he needs. He needs you.
2. Make your man feel special by showing him that you love him for himself alone.
Early in the relationship, avoid asking him resume questions. Look out for questions like, “How much do you make?” “Did you go to college?” “Where?” “Were you ever married” “For how long?” “What do your parents do for a living?” These questions suggest that you are sizing him up and deciding if he is a good risk as a potential husband. Remember, even if he turns out to be a billionaire, he needs to know that you liked him before you knew that fact.
Ask instead what he feels about things, what he likes and dislikes. If he says he just got a big bonus, don’t ask him how much it was. Talk about how exciting it must be. “Did you know it was coming?” “Did all your friends congratulate you?” Enjoy his experience with him. He’ll tell you everything after a while unless he is very secretive, which would be a bad sign. You know that you don’t like to be quizzed. He likes it even less. Let him know that you care about him, not about what he represents or the category he is in, and he will feel special. Keep it personal, as opposed to factual.
3. Try to be natural. Be yourself and don’t conceal your tastes or the things you like.
If your new man says that likes rap music and rattles off some names of people you’ve never heard of, don’t pretend that you know them and like them. You’re allowed to say that you don’t know anything about that kind of music.
If you have always loved opera, say so. If you feel like crying at a movie, cry. If you feel like laughing, laugh. Being natural will encourage him to be the same. He is special and you are special, but in different ways. Never put yourself under pressure by starting out with a lie. The message is that you are a special individual and he is one, too.
4. Give your man the sense that he can keep his freedom – at least to a reasonable degree.
While you, as a man, think of a new relationship as changing your life, your man thinks only of preservation. You may look forward to buying a new house, having kids, changing jobs, taking joint vacations. Meanwhile, he is determined to keep his old routines and change as little as he can. To him, sameness means security. If you try to change his life too fast, he will feel that his masculinity will be the next thing to go. He will already feel threatened. Make small gestures to show him that you aren’t taking over his life and taking everything away from him. For instance, be sure that he still has time to see his men friends alone. When guys get together without women present, it’s common for one to ask, “How did you get out tonight?” The guys feel sorry for the buddy who can never join them.
If your man shows up, at least some of the time, it looks like his man – you – are an effortless partner. Good commitment material. Men reassure themselves of their masculinity not just by being with a woman who loves them, but by being with the guys. It’s symbolic. Give him the reassurance that he’s still a guy and can still travel light, up to a point, by being easy about time he spends away from you.
5. Don’t let him do too much for you or spend too much, (even if he volunteers).
If the balance goes too far this way, he will wake up some morning and ask himself, “What am I getting into?” He will want to swing the pendulum the other way, which will be bad news for you. Early in the relationship, he may reaffirm his sense of maleness by fixing everything in your house, and you may feel taken care of. But don’t let him go too far. If you can easily pay for something to get done, or if someone else can do part of the job, don’t overburden your man. Don’t give him the sense that he has to do too much, that you are too costly. The same with money. I’ve often seen men overspend on men they care for and then feel, “I can’t afford this!” and run away.
His Masculine Pretense makes it hard for him to admit that he’s overextended. Maybe he can’t afford the restaurants that he thinks you deserve — at least not as often as he wants to take you out. It’s easier for him to leave you and find a new man than to disappoint you. Make it simple for him to commit to you by letting him know that his spending big bucks is purely optional. Pick up the check yourself, sometimes, if you can. Or, every so often, suggest making dinner for him at home, or going out for pizza and a movie instead of something fancy.
Even rich guys feel this way. Offering to go halfway is sometimes a symbolic act on your part that will mean more than you can imagine to him. A well-to-do guy told me recently that he was very troubled because the woman he was seeing regularly never once picked up a lunch check even though he’d taken her on vacations and to many elegant restaurants. He took her default as indicating that she didn’t appreciate what he was giving. It turned out to be one of those all-night talks that saved a relationship.
6. Don’t make your man jealous as a device to build his interest in you.
The old wisdom said that playing hard to get might clinch the commitment deal. But I’m telling you that the opposite is true. Because of their Masculine Pretense, men are crazy on the subject of loyalty. Most men, no matter what they say, are very insecure about their sexual desirability and about their appeal. Your man will be most likely to commit if he feels that you are completely loyal because you find him the most attractive man in the world. Don’t flirt in front of him. Don’t discuss past lovers even if he wants you to. Your anecdotes may turn him on for a while, but soon, he’ll start doubting you.
If you loved another man once and left him, maybe you’ll leave him, too. And even worse, maybe you’ll talk about him to some new lover. Most of, don’t torture your man by playing hard to get and implying that he has to work for your love. He can hardly feel sexually desirable if he has to chase you and make big promises before you’ll accept him as a lover. Once you two are really together, no surprises. If an old boyfriend calls, or you have lunch with a male friend, don’t hesitate to tell him. You have the right to do what you want. Some guys carry their loyalty fears too far. Things will be a lot less likely to get out of hand, jealousy-wise, if you are upfront about your opposite sex friends right from the start.
7. Insist on sexual fidelity once you feel you need it.
Some women fear that their guy will get nervous if they demand monogamy. Once again, the opposite is true. Your man wants you to want only him. He will be secretly flattered and will start to feel very secure if you demand this arrangement. Your telling him that his sexual faithfulness is essential to you is, in effect, giving him the reassurance that you intend to be faithful to him. Even if your man protests or acts as if the request is silly, he will breathe a big sigh of relief and take one big step towards commitment.
8. Help your man to accept the fact that he needs you and loves you.
Because of his Masculine Pretense, your man is afraid to admit to anyone – even himself, how much he needs you. But this isn’t his fault. He hasn’t had any practice at expressing his emotions freely. You can make him feel free to do so. And once again, the key is to ask for something. After a time, insist that your man tell you in so many words that he loves you. Even if you are living together, he may try to avoid those three little words. “Isn’t it obvious?” he may say. “Why else would I be with you?” Or he may substitute something, like a compliment. “I think you’re the most great man I ever knew.” This is not good enough. Tell him, “I need you to say that you love me even if it’s obvious. And if it’s obvious, why not say it?”
Only after saying that he loves you, in those words, and after saying it repeatedly, will your man truly accept that he loves you. Only then will it become a fact of life. We never truly accept things that we refuse to say — or are afraid to say. If your man repeatedly refuses to say that he loves you, if he never volunteers it, he isn’t ready to commit to you and he certainly won’t marry you. Once he starts telling you repeatedly that he loves you, however, he will come to accept his love of you as part of life. Soon, he won’t be able to imagine life without loving you.
9. After a few months, insist that your man introduce you to his family and friends and to anyone important in his life.
His doing this is a very basic kind of commitment for him, an important step on the road to a lifetime commitment. The man who won’t bring you into his life won’t marry you. A man must see you interacting with the people important to him to think of you as a wife. His making you part of his social life (just like his saying, “I love you,”) is an important rung on the ladder that he must climb toward commitment.
10. Guard against giving your man more than you really want to over a long period of time.
If you like certain sex acts, make sure you communicate what they are and make sure that you get your share. If you feel angry at the fact that he invites his buddies over at the last minute and doesn’t pitch in with the preparations, don’t make a habit of compliance. If you’re not getting enough of what you want and find yourself feeling angry or depressed, it’s not fair to you. Also, you will definitely communicate this and your man will move away from commitment. Why should he sign up for life with a woman who’s unhappy or unfulfilled? In taking care of yourself, you are taking care of the relationship.


connected: by George Weinberg, Ph.D.Copyright © 2003